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70 comments:
I am officialy unanonymous. I am erigby. Thank for the response
Hi,
It may sound silly but for me Feelings are not Facts. You will get help and your view of yourself will change to the reality that the people who care about you see
i feel like i have this darkness inside my brain that lurks around and torments me when im sad. i dont want to feel like this i want it to go away
I've been feelin suidcidal I have thought every day and can see ny self doing it its a constant battle but I don't feel I can fight any more life to me is constant pain i hve taken overdose and self harm i get scared i do this again
Hi Dr Pepper and Anonymous (different person?) - I'm sorry that you're feeling that way. I know quite a few people here have felt similar at one time or another. I hope that you were able to find someone to talk to - I noticed that your post was a little while ago - if not, I hope you'll come back.
I have visited this place before. And it's been a while... I did check that this place still exists from time to time. And right now I need to poor out my pain into existence once again. It's been some time, and I thought I was getting better but today...oh today I felt it like a storm that's been dragging along for a long time, but you know it is going to happen and you know you cannot stop it. All you know is that you better be home before it starts and you don't want to be caught out in it. I'm not making much sense I know. today, I drained my last atom of strength not to fall apart before I get home. Even as I was unlocking the door I felt tears just running down my face. I closed the door and I couldn't even take my coat off or my shoes off.I just collapsed, screaming...All I could think of was ways and ways to hurt myself. And I thought I was getting better. right food, right exercise,right thoughts. sure there have been some bad days but I knew they would pass. But I think it is staying with me this time. I Just don't know how to live. And I know it's my fault. I don't blame people around me , I blame my reaction to their actions. I cannot change myself. I don't know how to live with people, I don't know how to make friendships, I don't know anything a human should know. I am done pretending...there is no use. I am drowning in myself
Hi guys! It feels really weird to address someone at last, because nobody I know in real life would take my depression and OCD seriously. They would just think I'm making it up, though obviously at 18 I'm much too adult to. I have just finished school and now I am about to enter a university I don't really like. My days are a constant struggle with myself. I feel like a failure. I think I'm losing control, and I'm afraid that the psychological disorders I've mentioned would eventually take over, disabling me to socialize properly. I'm not sure whether attending a psychologist would help me, because I'm afraid that bringing it all up will trigger much worse things. I am at a loss. Now it's not only about feeling blue, it's the things like hypersomnia and severe OCD entering my life, and I don't want them there.
Hi,this is my first time using one of these online support things, so excuse the awkwardness. I've dealt depression and anxiety since I was twelve (I'm now 23) and thought I had things under control, things were going well, I had started my dream job in the air force and had never been so happy and healthy. Unfortunately though, due to medical reasons out of my control i was administratively discharged. That was three years ago and since then things have never been worse. I'm to the point where I'm just done, I give up. The thought of hopelessness and suicide is a constant now. I'm broke, alone, and useless and can't take it anymore.
dear J106,
you are not alone or useless. We all feel like that some days. Sometimes it lasts for days sometimes for months or for years. I am not preaching I merely want you to see that there are people who feel the same way you do sometimes or even most of the time. I, for one, am one of them. I have also been battling depression and all the 'lovely' things it brings for many years now so I know what you are talking about. I have also felt hopeless and suicidal many times and sometimes even hurt myself as a way of coping with it. Not that it is a good idea to do so but I just want to tell you that I can identify with your pain.
You are not alone. There are people who care about you and who want to help you, people who have been where you are right now. It is a good thing that you turned to someone for support.
You are not useless. You are young and already have some work experience as I understood. It means you must have some skills which means you can put them to use. If nothing else you can give people advice on it. I am sure there are people out there who would appreciate. Also, just by being here and asking for support you have shown other people that they are not alone in their pain so thanx for that.
Suicide is never an answer. Seriously, it is not logical at
all.
You came here looking for support, which means you want to live. You know, deep inside that life is worth living.
You said that you have been happy and healthy. Great! It means you CAN be happy, you CAN feel happiness. You know what makes you happy. It means there is a great possibility you WILL feel happy again. Trust me, a lot of people go through life not knowing what can make them happy. They are the true lost souls.
You said you had things under control. You didn't. Let it go. We never have control over anything. Anytime I thought I had control over something I just took a tumble and went down to the bottom again and the beast called depression took control over me.
I don't know what else to tell you. As a a person who has been dealing with heavy depression for I long time I can tell you that I feel I have died and been reborn thousand times within one life time. That is just our path I guess.
Live your life. There is beauty in every breath.
sorry my post is so long but I hope it finds you in good health. I wish you all the best and maybe I see you around here sometimes.
Hi mmmm well Anyone Readying.....
I am Having A Realy Haird Time With Everthing Going Wrong In My Life, pre-cancer, single Mom, kids Health Problem, well Fare Cuting Use Off,death In The Faimly, and My Reteaning To Deportion Problems. I Just Desterly Need To Talk But Have No Ware In The World To Go.
Dear Icesfire,
I hope you are hanging on. You seem to be dealing with a lot in your life. I cannot say that I know how you feel when you talk about all these things, I can only say I know what it feels like when you think you have nowhere in the world to go to and no one to talk to and a world seems like a cold and cruel place.
Perhaps, I cannot give you much advice, but I just want to tell you that this is a good thing you did, coming here and sharing your problems. Tell the world. There is always someone listening.
And I am here to remind you that there is always a place you can go to and at least one person to turn to: You. Turn to yourself. You are much stronger than you think and you will endure this battle and come out stronger in the end. I believe in you. And no matter what happens you should too.
I was diagnosed with Stage IV NHL and Bone cancer in September of 2009. I have been through all the chemo (R-Chop) since 2010. But, I am still so tired I cannot get out of bed, 90% of the time. I still cannot eat, eating makes me feel sick. I still get the Yucky-Wookies (cold & clammy, feel like I will pass out, and sweats from head to toe. I have not regained any of my strength, I cannot walk from my bed to the kitchen, if I get there, I am so exhausted, I cannot even think about making something, if it takes more than four minutes I am to tired to eat what I have made. I lost my job, so I lost my home and my sons moved me in to a small apartment and just left me there, with everything in boxes. The running joke when I need something, is it is in one of those boxes. I am sixty-seven years old and can see no point in going on.
I am jealous of the other people I know who have had cancer, and balance back.
Before cancer I went to the gym, worked out, lifted weights, etc. could bench press my weight, which was thirty+ pounds then I weight BC. I worked, volunteered, traveled and lived a "normal" life. I feel that I will never have my life back.
I chose not to have any follow-up to the NHL or bone cancer, since after a year I sill has not recovered from the treatment.
I guess I cannot get pass the Pity Party, life is just pointless.
I just heard about you on Ouch!, and thought I would write to you folks. I have been on anti-depressants, for four years and in therapy for the last year.
dear Anonymous,
I empathize with your difficult situation since yours indeed is a challenging one.
I am no professional and all I can do is offer some kind words and try to give you some advice. (Although I am sure you have heard and considered all of these before so forgive me if I sound annoying. If it starts to upset you just stop reading. However, sometimes, in the midst of troubles and dark times we somehow become blind to some possible ways of relieving our situation. If I know one thing for certain I know that depression does that to you.)
First of all,can you ask anyone to help you? If your sons are unavailable, are there any neighbors around you? You say you have volunteered, can you ask the people you have volunteered with to help you? At least to unpack those boxes. you would be amazed at how many good people are still out there.
Second of all, DO NOT push yourself, punish yourself or put yourself down. You are not feeling well and it is perfectly OK that you need help. Every, and literally every step you make is a success.
I was never in such a difficult situation but I was, at one time in my life, almost completely bed ridden. (I could go to the bathroom by myself but anything else was hell and impossible on some days.)And it was very difficult for me to accept that I needed someone's help and when I had to ask for help I would cry afterwards as if it was my own fault that I was ill. It wasn't. If I hadn't accepted and asked for help I wouldn't be here now. I would have ended my life since I also thought living life like that was pointless. One small kind gesture changed everything for me. And yes, some people who I thought were closest to me disappointed me, abandoned me, and hurt me at the time, but I guess that also is just a part of our journey.
Do research,try anything that might help you (nutrition, meditation, sound healing, herbal medicine,support groups in local communities, there are so many things out there that can help us.)
It is perfectly normal to be jealous of people who have their life back to normal. Sometimes when my chips are down I feel not only jealous but down right bitter. I know it is difficult, but perhaps you could ask some of them to help you with your present situation. Perhaps they can understand your situation better. Trust me, people still do care. I care, and I am no angel by any standards. And I know it is a cliche, but it is you who has to care first.
So do take care of yourself anonymous and I hope I see you around here sometimes
(sorry my post was so long)
Thank you, Anonymus your words did help. Of course some of the things I have tried, talking with my friends and asking for what I want/need.
I know this sounds strange, it helps knowing that someone else could not get out of bed and just had no energy or hope and they got better.
Again, thank you.
Hello everyone. I'm really sorry I haven't been around for ages. Things kind of got on top of me and running this site was more than I could do any more and nobody seemed up to helping out. Not sure if anyone I know still comes here, but I'm glad the site is being used. If anyone out there would like to take over running it please let me know. Just email me at depressionhangout@hotmail.co.uk I really wish I was up to carrying on. Hope you guys out there get some use from this place. It's been a real port in a storm for me and for so many people in the past 6 years. Baying xxx
Also, I'm sorry about the chat room Java problems. I did try everything I could think of and I couldn't make it work. Must be a problem on the site set-up but I'm not proficient enough on this stuff to solve it. I tried reading all the support stuff from Parachat but it was all geared to programmers so I guess you need a programmer to get the chat room to work. Really really sorry. HOWEVER I did manage to make it work with Flash, but it was so cramped into a tiny space that there wasn't room to put much in. I feel really bad about this because I know so many people liked going into chat. If anyone out there thinks they can solve this, please let me know. I'm afraid it's beyond me.
Hey I have been dealing with pretty rough depression over the past 16 months or so. Been on 4 different meds and tried different dosages of those 4 too. Just can't seem to find one that works for me. Been talking with a counselor too but there aren't any majors areas in my life we can't really pinpoint either. Any advice anyone? Thanks!
dear Anonymous,
as far as your medications and dosages go I can't give you any advice since I am not a professional, but I do know that a lot of people go through many different medications and dosages until they find those that are right for them. It is quite common problem so hang in there and keep trying.
Now, I am not quite sure I understand the counselor part. Do you mean that you can not pinpoint any area of your life that is making you depressed? Like everything is more or less fine, and things are kind of in their place but you are still depressed?
If so, don't beat yourself up about it. There is no need for an 'excuse' to feel depressed. We just do. Trust me, a lot of people feel that way. I, for one thing, had people telling me things like: ''Oh, but you are doing so well. You should feel happy! Just get out there and enjoy life! Think about all those hungry, poor, abused, ill, misfortunate, homeless people. You are doing way better than them! Now doesn't that make you feel happy? ''
Well, it is safe to say that those kind of responses made things worse by making me feel like an insensitive idiot and making me hide the way I feel which made the matters worse and so on...
So if you cannot 'blame' your depression on a certain area, person, memory,situation or alike that is perfectly fine.
What I would, recommend though to anyone in our situation (since I am a fellow 'sufferer') is change of diet and exercise. It is a great complement to any kind of therapy you might be undergoing.
good luck
Hi.
I was searching the web and I found this site. I don't know how to use it or what to do, because it is the first time I do this. I am only asking if there is someone out there who likes to talk and give support. I am alone and I need someone to talk sometimes. By the way, English is not my first language so understand if I write with some mistakes.
Thanks
Hi everyone,
I'm reaching out and looking for some support. I'm new here.
I feel very isolated and lonely. I've been dealing with hell for far too long now, alone, and the weight of it all just keeps pulling me down further and further. I am an only child and have just recently sought help from a support group for survivors of child abuse. I was diagnosed with depression at 14, which I now believe was triggered by the abuse and isolation I dealt with as a young adult. I have also been having tremendous physical health issues this year, including two grand mal seizures (one at work), and last week was just diagnosed with narcolepsy. On my days off I sleep approx. 15hrs each day.
I have a very hard time with all of this and have few close friends. Not only that, but I feel that sharing and discussing this stuff with my friends is too much for them and that it scares others off. I've been in a few relationships and had limited support from them for some time, but obviously it hasn't lasted as I have broken it off with each of them.
I could really use some virtual hugs or whatever...I'm looking for a group of others that are openly supportive and understanding of all the bullshit on a deeper level than the fake people I deal with where I live.
-Wanderlust
dear Wanderlust,
I understand how you feel. although maybe not for the same reasons I, too, feel isolated and lonely. I also know what it's like to be haunted by your past because I have lived through abuse as well and it seems to be a never ending cycle that sometimes pulls me down just like you say.I fight it, but sometimes it seems like it is two steps forward three steps back.
That is why it is important to reach out and talk to people like you did. Because sometimes they can see us in a different light. Like I see you. After all of the things you have listed I can only say I admire you. Although, times are dark for you right now, I think you are on the right path, because to me, you sound like a true brave fighter.
As far as friends go, I can honestly tell you than nobody, and I mean nobody has more than few close friends. If it makes you feel better, I have 2 close friends. Or at least I hope I do. :-) And, honestly after years of bad relationships and bad friendships I am much happier that that is the case than being surrounded by a bunch of fakes, waiting for me to buy them drinks and stuff, do their work for them, clean up their sh.t, or being used in any other way all in the name of friendship. and what for? So that they can turn their backs on me when I needed them.
And I am not the only one.I see that actually most people have these fake friends and sometimes they get stuck with them for their whole lives. So you and me are lucky to know who our real friends are.
Also, I do understand that you cannot talk to them about everything. Sometimes people just don't know what to say or how to behave if they haven't been through something similar.
Hang in there. oh and I am sending you a virtual hug just like you asked. :-)Take care. I hope I see you around here again
Hey Anon,
Thanks for your reply. It really my day :-) I liked the way that you used "seeing someone in a different light" to emphasize the importance of reaching out to others with similar issues. It's so true, I always wish that I could share what I've been through with everyone because it has influenced my life and my personal development so strongly. But instead, yes, I feel that others don't know how to react. I have no problem making small talk with others or being in social situations, but I'm still exploring when and where it is appropriate to share my past with others.
In retrospect, my progress on dealing with my past has come along a great deal in the past few years. I remember opening up to my last boyfriend about how guilty I felt about ruining my relationship with my father, who I now realize was abusing me because HE had issues, not because I shared that with an outsider and "embarrassed him". It almost makes me feel like I was a fool for allowing my family to back me into a guilt-induced corner and insist that the dysfunction and resulting abuse was and is MY FAULT. Assholes.
Thank you for your encouragement. Virtual hugs are definitely the next best thing to real hugs, right?!
-WanderLust
I just feel sad all the time, I feel like a failure. My life is going no where and I have no ambition to change. I feel alone even when I'm not. I think about leaving. A lot. I just feel weird. I feel like disappearing. Idk what to do to make this go away
Hey all. I'm not exactly sure what to say. I've suffered from what I perceive as depression for as long as I can remember. I've always been something of a freak, an introvert of sorts. I get along with so few people. Its not because I'm mean, I'm just awkward. Weird.
On a personal level, I take things very seriously. I think a lot about everything. I think about if there's a god, if life means anything, if I mean anything. I can't say I haven't thought of dying just to find out. Just to satisfy my curiosity, and because I feel almost completely numb. I just stopped caring.
I'll have times where I feel absolutely amazing. Then I have times where I'm just totally detached from every thing. I don't hate, I'm just apathetic.
Then I have those times. Times where I just despise life. I just want to sleep, eat, watch TV, and cry. I don't want to see my friends, my family, anyone. I force myself to, specifically so no one suspects I'm depressed or thinks I'm insane.
Depression does run in my family. I've never actually attempted suicide.
Help please.
dear anonymous,
I am not sure if the same person posted both comments on 14th of October, but there are some things that can be applied to both posts.
All the signs point to the fact that you are suffering from some form of depression. And it is OK and perfectly normal. Also, it is important for you to know that there is a solution. Actually, there is more than one, you just have to find one that fits your needs. How will you do that? Do research on your issue. Find out about all different kinds of therapies that are out there. try different approaches. There are people out there, professionals, who sometimes know more about us and our conditions than we do.
And take it from a veteran. It DOES get better. Arm yourself with patience and start your battle. It Does pay off.
You should also know that you are not alone. If your immediate environment doesn't understand you, trust me there are millions of people right now that feel just the way you do now, and they know what you are going through.
Reach out.There are still people out there who want to help. There are still people who listen.
Take care my friend(s)
Hi guys, Ive been dealing with depression since i was 17. I am now 21. Depresssion has completely took over my life, lost job opportunities, friends, & family. I was abandoned both parents since i was 6 and havent seen them since. I definitely feel that has a huge roll with my depression. I started using marijuana just to cope with it and now realize does nothing but mask the pain for a short time. I use to be such a well rounded kid. It is crazy to see myself sink in this black void called depression. I just HOPE one day i will get out this hole, because honestly i just want to pull the plug on myself. This modern day society of my kids age doesnt help either. They can be so jugdemental and lack so much compassion for someone. Someone.who can relate please talk to me. And for anyone dealing with depression like me just know that I understand what your going through and i know it hurts, but just remember ONE day this will be over. Im glad god didnt make us invincible.
I think otherwise. You are not wierd. Youre just truely one of a kind. Some of the most inspiring people were depressed, Einstein, Ghandi, Martin Luther, Kurt Cobain, Marylyn Monroe, Elvis, Hendrix, and these are just to name a few. Just stick to your goals and FIGHT. Dont be scared to show anger. We must coexist. I have noticed through my depression I have really DEEP thoughts, just embrace and use them to advantage. Working out and excercising is also a great coping mechanism to dealing with depression. Be STRONG and fight for all of us dealing with depression so one you can help with one dealing with this OVERTHINKING OF THE BRAIN.
I really need some help right now. I feel so lost. I can't get close to people. That it seems to me is the root of my depression and anxiety. Socializing is very difficult for me so it makes it hard with jobs. But I'm not bad at it, people say I'm a likeable person and I can carry conversations. But sometimes I am quit for really long periods of time. And I sit there thinking why do I never speak I'm bad at talking etc but then sometimes when I feel in the right mood I can just carry out conversations just fine and I realize that most of the times I just don't want to or something. Ah sometimes I just feel like I am just observing the world not actually in it. I can really isolate. I have a friend who is a very good one. He wants to be more than friends and I do like him. And we really get a long and have a lot in common. In fact I was hoping for this but now that it's an opportunity I am running from it. I realize all the time that I actually don't want close relationships emotionally or physically anymore. I don't know why. I got out of my last relationship a good 2 year one because I just didn't want to see him anymore. I didn't want to be that close to anyone even though we were getting along. I remember when I was first in the relationship and for a while during it thinking wow this is just so much better than being single but now even when good opportunities come I just don't want it or maybe I do but I'm avoiding it I don't know. It's been like this for a couple of years now and there was a period of time for about 6-7 years in the past that I hardly spoke to people and didn't really have any friends. As I look back on it, I had people who I could have hung out with but for whatever reason I just didn't. I don't know if it's fear of rejection or if I just really don't wanna be close to people. I feel depressed a lot and nothing seems to help it. I'm out of college (23) and have done some fun and good healing wholeistic jobs and tried therapy a little excercise all kinds of things. meditation. it all helps some but no matter what a lot of it stays stagnant. i get suicidal thoughts a lot, but less than I used to and I am not currently in a place where that's a decision I'd be making but the thoughts still come in often. I've had them since I was 14 so it's just hard to feel like I really want to be alive a lot of the time. There's a lot more I'm dealing with. Some addictive behaviors and stuff but I'll just stop there. Please any advice or comment or something would be cool. I'm tired of feeling alone in this.
dear anonymous from 6 January,
I hope by now you have found some support and answers. I also hope you will check back here. Personally, I don't think there is anything wrong with you. However do check the following information as it may offer some insight.
http://www.personalitypage.com/INFP.html
Hi everyone
I've read some of your comments and I was surprised by your sweetness and kindness, I've never tell anyone about my feelings because I thought that no one will care and I know for sure that my problems Are nothing like most of yours and I hope from all of my heart that everyone of you will feel better.
I finished school last year and since then my life changed and I lost all my close friends
I feel empty and lonely all the time
And am always scared that some how am gonna loose some of my family or all of them in a horrible way
It's all I think of even when am asleep I have this kind of nightmares
I got into a medical college but am not very happy because I don't want to be involve in the medical field anymore, I don't want to see anyone suffer but in the same time I want to help them ,I want to do good for the others
But because of my fear I gave it up
I don't know what to tell my family since they have some expectations on me
I feel like a loser and useless person ,and I have an anxiety all the time ,sometimes I can't even talk to people like any normal person and I tried to deal with it but nothing changed
I don't know where to seek help/advice
I feel like i want to kill myself
I have failed university all my friends have passed. I feel so bad about my self
I know the feeling. My socal best supporter keeps telling me how much a failure I am. So how can I get better??
I drink when I am depressed.....all kinds of thoughts run through my head...I just don't know at this point...I have positive people in my life....but they do not know how I feel
lets see
Hello, This is the first time that I have posted here, so I suppose I'll begin by telling you about myself. I have been suffering from some pretty intense depression over the past 2 years. I am 27 years old and have been attempting to find a decent post college job these past couple of years while battling with my mental health issues. Needless to say it is not going as well as I would have liked. I am able to hold down a full time job but that seems to be about it. When I am not working I am usually laying in a dark room watching tv allowing the rest of my life problems to pile up. It takes a lot of self motivating to even feed myself or shower after work. I have lost contact with all of my friends and most of my family, thinking about going out and making new friends seems impossible. When I was in college I was very social and and had many friends and fun relationships. The problem with this was that during all of these social interactions I was always high on cocaine, mdma, or heroin. After college I got help and have been drug free for 2.5 years. Unfortunately drug free has meant the depression I had all along that I was self medicating for was still there and stronger than ever. I now have the worst social anxiety that I could ever have imagined. I have been on every anti depressant on the market at different dosages. Psych doctors are now at the point where benzos like klonopin are the only thing that will get me comfortable in public. The problem with this is that as a former drug addict the minute I get a script for a drug that has abuse potential I eat them all in around 3 days, black out and end up in police custody. I feel like I am doomed to either be sober and miserable or drug addicted for life. Anyone know of a third option?
Its my first time ever doing anything like this. I know I must get some kind of support for me. I dont know where to begin except I am in a relationship with a man and I cant stop focusing on what he's doing. I 've been with him eight years and its been rocky the whole time. Hes an ex meth user and still drinks alot he usually blames me for everything and I take it . I am guilty of not working or staying working cause of usually insecurity issues mostly. Its gotten me know where and worse part is i dont let my closest friends or family know I'm still with him cause they've heard me cry way too much yet never fixing it. I m now ready to do what it takes and I'm scared knowing I will be living on my own. Im starting two jobs next week and kept it close under 3miles from my apartment incase he takes our car. Im frighten and alone in my thoughts s and trying to hold my emotions in check so I can work.
Can anyone talk to me to help me stay focused on me and not what he's doing I just feel like I'm on this horrible rollacoaster
dear anonymous,
First of all let me wish you good luck with your new jobs. and congratulations on finding them. at the moment working might be the best thing you can do for yourself, since getting out and being around people might help you to put things in perspective, even if you don't talk to them about your issues.
You are not alone. There are so many people who are or who have been in similar relationships with similar issues and I believe they would gladly offer support. I am one of them. I know what it feels like when you can't talk to your family or your friends about what you are going through. You think they will not be able to understand. And sometimes, they really don't. I know when they say'' Oh, I would never take that'' or ''I would never do that, I would never let that happen to me'' It only makes the matters worse for you. At least, that is how it was for me. So, dear, you have my full support on your path.However, I cannot say I support your relationship because I have been there and I can tell you one thing: IT IS NOT LOVE. It is co-dependence, it is like an addiction. you can make it, it may take some time but you will make it. You are stronger than you know. take care of yourself.
I don't know why I am writing here. I guess it's just that I want to talk to someone about it, since I don't talk to the people in my real life.
It is getting harder to see the point in living. I thought I was getting better, so I quit the medication, but now I realize that I was not completely recovered from the depressiong. I guess I'm relapsing. And I don't know why I just won't start back on the medication. It makes me angry or something, the fact that I should have to medicate.
Lately I have started to plan out a way to stop living again, but I don't know if I would go through with it. I don't know...
dear anonymous,
I am not quite sure how to answer to your post, since I don't fully comprehend your situation. However, I am glad that you came here. I am no expert, but to me it does sound like you are relapsing and however silly it may sound now to you it is good that you realize that because it means you can do something about it and you did do something about it by coming here.
I cannot give you any advice about the medication. And as for your plans to stop living...Again I cannot give you advice. However, can I kindly ask you not to. Stop living I mean. I, as an individual, am asking you to do me a favor and continue living, because it matters to me.
As a person who has suffered from depression for most of my life, I know what it's like to be in a dark place, and I know sometimes life is really just shit. Pardon my French,but sometimes it is really a truckload of shit just pouring over you from head to toe and you don't won't to be there because you are tired and angry and see no point and fun in being covered in shit and you want out. I understand that. I have been there. However, with the risk of sounding silly I will tell you something that has come to to my attention recently. Every day, on my way to work I pass a little park (although, calling it a park is really an overstatement). Anyways, due to restrictions in municipality's budget, there is no money for this park. So basically, it was just a piece of dry, cracked, dirt with some dry withered grass caked to it. So over time, it just served as public restroom for stray dogs (which there are a lot of in my area) and anybody else who might feel like it at the time. So it started to look even worse and smelled really bad, and I had to turn my head and hold my breath when passing by. Recently, we had a spell of a suicidal weather (which I don't mind to tell you the truth, because it makes me feel less guilty about feeling depressed, since everyone else is complaining too). However, there were few sunny summer days in between.(I am getting to the point don't worry) So the other morning, I was in a mindless hurry to get to work as usual, but I noticed that something was different. There was no bad smell. So I look at the park and what do I see? Colors. Blue, purple, yellow, turquoise, pink, green (no I wasn't high)and others which I don't know names for and all these flowers of so many different shapes and sizes and some bumblebees and bees flying around. (No I wasn't high). I literally gasped at the scene. And the smell of those wildflowers...man...So I just admired all of it for a few moments, so I was late for work those few moments And my boss reprimanded and gave me a warning immediately. But it didn't ruin my day. Because I realized something.My boss was shit, and my work was shit and many other circumstances in my life are shit. However, We are the soil, and life gives us shit and suicidal conditions but we have the ability to take what we need from it over time and turn it into something miraculous no matter how cracked up inside, dry and unsightly we may seem. The shit actually enables us to show our true colors. And the ultimate sight is something to be stared at, gasped at and admired.
So, however bad things may seem, know that you will come out stronger and more beautiful. I am telling you this from experience.
Take care. You have my full loving support
The last 5 years have been really up and down. I have lost that awe and sense of joy i use to feel. one day can consist of feeling great ready to take on anything and a few hours later i don't want to do anything at all. I tend to worry quite a bit and just can't enjoy the moment only constantly stressing out about the future. I am not myself and I miss it so much.
Hi everyone. I've been suffering from depression since I was in middle school. I haven't been able to tell anyone about it, family, friends, or even my girlfriend of 4 years as I don't want or relationships to change. I don't want sympathy from anyone, I am battling this on my own and don't know how to do it anymore. I've always had access to porn on my computer and explored a lot as a younger teenager but since I got my girlfriend I have accepted the fact that is an addiction rather than a hobby as I've gotten in trouble for it before. If my girl finds out, I'd be kicked to the curb for good but even though I can't live without her, I've watched porn all day today and can't stop myself. I use porn as a way to escape myself. It allows me to stop thinking and to focus on something doesn't require thought. Thinking leads to bad things that I don't want to deal with. It allows me to feel good about something, if only for a moment before I'm plunged into guilt and shame. This only causes me to feel worse and worse, fueling my depression further. It's a vicious cycle that can't end well for anyone but I can't get out and is killing me. I've literally had times where I needed to verbally talk myself out of driving into a pole or off of a bridge. Fortunately, I have the state of mind to know that suicide is not the answer and how much it would hurt everyone I love. I don't think I'll ever do anything that drastic, I'm scared that I'm thinking things like that. My disease wasn't as prominent until my best friend was killed in a car accident 4 years ago. I've had some bumps in the road but my life is still great and I have a lot of people who love me. Rationally, I should be one of the happiest people alive, but depression isn't rational. No matter what happens, I can't shake this. I don't want pills, I don't want to be medicated to change who I am so I haven't seen a doctor about this yet. I have always had problems making friends, as all of the friends have moved away, hurt me, or, in one case, died. I have always been able to cover up this disease but I don't want to anymore. I want someone to understand without judgement, without hatred, and to help me in my silent battle.
dear anonymous,
You need to talk about your problem with people who are close to you. Nobody can help you''in your silent battle'' if they don't know what's going on. As for medication, there are some alternatives, but you will have to do thorough research yourself and see what suits your needs.
take care
Thank you for replying. Since I posted this message I have explained everything to my girlfriend and have an appointment with a counselor next week. This was a great first step and helped me get on the right path.
People will hurt u just as u will hurt them sometimes. But they can be kind too. Seek out the ones that are kind above all else.
I have found, as we all do at some point, that we often create walls and take pills expecting to be invulnerable. Could it be that this the easy way out? -as in it's not the right path? I recommend The Depression Cure a book that emphasizes lifestyle change rather than drugs. A lifecoach instead of a yes man.
Hello and good evening to all, I came across this message board while having a really hard time getting to sleep and struggling with a large amount of thoughts going thru my head. I suppose I should explain what is going on and perhaps be able to get some insight or advice on how to cope through this difficult time. I have been living with my depression since I was 13 or should we say it revealed itself at this point. There have been lots of ups and downs since that time and I have been through various techniques and tried many things such as counseling, medication and even trying to find new hobbies and activities to fight the feelings and to continue fighting the battle with my darkness. As I know we are all trying to find some support and help from one another I will cut to the chase and perhaps see if anyone could possibly help me in finding a direction to continue the fight. Right now I am almost 30 years old and struggling with what I want to do with my life, I have put in many many years of service to providing others with love and compassion and it just doesn't feel like I have my heart in doing so anymore, im desperately trying to find a new career and find a path with which to set my course and I continuously find walls in my way or my shadow winning. I have finally found an amazing person to share my life with and have done so for the past year, but I do not want them to have to see this side of me or to have to see me feel so angry and worthless all the time. Has anyone gone through a struggle with career change while fighting their depression and finding a way out? Please help if able I sincerely don't have any idea what to do anymore
dear anonymous (sep 29)
I hope this message finds you well. Although i cannot give any advice I can for sure tell you that you are not alone. actually, I am in the same predicament, contemplating to change my path and my career at 32. You are very brave for taking the first steps. I don't know where your true path lies, all I can tell you is sentence I once heard which I still hold to be true. ''Longing is belonging''. Let go, you took the first steps, I think your true calling will call out for you. Take care
I suffer as well don't hide get the help and support you need your a brave young man God bless
Ok, so I've never posted to anything about depression before, but I am tired of it. I am not suicidal and don't spend hours on end crying so people think oh well, she's fine. I'm currently taking medicine for depression, anxiety, and OCD. why do I still feel so down? Just blah. Like I don't look good enough, my life isn't exciting enough, I don't contribute to anyone's happiness. But just a few days ago I was on top of the world! Why does this happen? Does it ever end?
Anonymous I hope you address doing better than you were in this post. I know how you feel and there are many days that I run home just in time before I break. Ive been going through something the past couple of weeks so I know how you feel. It sounds like a relapse and I pray that you are in a better space today.
Hi all, new here, sorry if I blunder and I'm too out of it to proof, etc. I'm at that point where there is little reason to go on...few, if any to hurt if I go. Have lived a good life, what was not in the throws of the Beast that is, rescuing folks in legal trouble (yes, I'm a poor bleeding heart liberal attorney out to protect the rights of the underdog and to fight for victims) and to rescue "unadoptable" dogs and cats. Now though, the Beast has become so bad that my two reasons for living, helping folks and critters, is beyond me. I have no one except a very few who make it clear what a burden I am; their only concern is that I don’t commit suicide anywhere that embarrasses or inconveniences them. Seems like the right time for me to check out. Will appreciate any feedback. Thanks, Zen
Dear Zen,
I feel you. I hear you. however, personally I wouldn't like you to check out. Might sound like a lot to ask but can you not do that please?
Ask for help. After so many souls you have helped, the help is bound to be there for you.
I don't know if people see you as a burden or perhaps this is the way you see yourself, but I do know that the Beast can make us blind or even worse, distort our view like a funhouse mirror, only it's not fun it is downright scary. For example, I could never see you as a burden but only as a wonderful person people would be privileged to know. However, there were (there still are sometimes)times when the Beast grips me so hard and I think I'm useless, good for nothing, waste of space,doormat, completely ignorable and forgettable type of person. At those times the grip of the Beast (and I don't like to admit this)feels almost comforting and very inviting, as it would accept me the way that I am. of course, it does not help that there are always assholes who thrive on amplifying this terrible state in us. But that is just what it is. A state. And a state of mind in that.It is not a fact. We can get out of it. And I know that it is very difficult for you since you are a good person, and it hits good people worse. You never see assholes, wondering and pondering about their lives do you?
so after doing so much for the others, it is time to do something for yourself.Take care of yourself. Don't check out. Don't because I love cats and dogs (and people on very rare occasions) and I appreciate what you do. But take care and ask for help. It comes in many more forms than doctors and medications. I do hope I see you again.
All the best
Sunflower
Hey everyone, new here as well. My name is John. It seems like recently ive been growing worse. Cant say whether its depression or not. So much has been going on in my life, its like the darkness is shutting off the light in my life. I have a wife and daughter. Me and the wife seem to not be able to see eye to eye on anything. I live with her in a 2 bedroom apt. She has her family of 9 with 4 dogs also living with us. This seems to be putting a big load on me. Along with this, I am in debt $7,000 roughly with credit cards and no matter how hard I work, I can't seen to pay them off. The IRS is also auditing me and my wife for $5,000 of tax bullshit. On top of this I work in construction not making nearly enough money for bills and to support my daughter. Im physically being torn down by that job. Im working hard on getting into the Navy, however im catching a log of stress and pressure from my wife to do that quickly. Seems like my wife is always nagging and expecting too much from me no matter how hard I think im working. My wife is also constantly telling me im not doing enough to support them, or im not being a good husband or father. All this just keeps loading onto my stress and pressure. I use to be close to God as a Christian. I feel myself growing cold. Seems like theres a lot of demons im battling with. Hopefully no one judges me for saying this.... ive began drinking more to get my mind off the shit. Also been smoking more everyday. As sad as it is... ive also found certain illegal drugs that help take the stress, pain and anger away. Ive seen myself cutting myself with razor blades, just to feel the pain and see the blood. It helps take my mind off of everything. While I dont have any intent on suicide whatsoever, I feel almost like theres an evil presence inside me now and that I don't mind it. It feels like ive been growing colder and darker every day. It sounds crazy, I know, but its almost like I enjoy that "evil or dark" presence inside me because it makes me feel free..... away from the bullshit and drama. Is this depression? Is this me literally going insane? Or is this something else thats darker? I dont believe ive ever been depressed before.... but I most definitely can feel myself changing and its certainly not in a good way. Its like I feel safe and free from stress and drama in this cold darkness. I know very well its not normal. While suicide is NOT in my mind, im not afraid of death. Ive even become more fascinated and interested with demons and dark stuff like that. I know thats not normal either but I love how it makes me feel. I know I sound like a psych patient writing this, I like to think im a good guy but it seems my mind and soul are taking off. Emptiness, demons and darkness are taking over. Im just looking for some opinions on whats going on with me. All this started maybe a half a year ago. Ive never thought about suicide because Ive grown to like the feeling of emptiness and darkness too much. Seems like one thing after another keeps happening and sets me back. Please, any info, opinions or thoughts may be able to help me. Thank you in advanced!
Hey I'm new here and am struggling with my depression more than ever right now. I live with my boyfriend who resents me for moving in together and is very passive aggressive about his feelings. I just left a job of three years where they began treating me very poorly. I lost several relationships by leaving. Now I'm starting a new job I could care less about and have one more semester to finish my undergrad. I'm exhausted. I want to hide away from everyone and everything. Nothing makes me happy any more and I barely ever feel like myself. Worst of all, I think I made a mistake with the career path I choose. I can't tell anyone because when I've tried I've been shut down. No one sees how things are spinning more and more out of control and I'm grasping for something to get me through a continually difficult time.
dear anonymous,
I understand your life is in a mess right now. But I believe you will be able to stop this downward spiral. You say you want to hide. Well, maybe you should find a way from the world for a little while. If this is what you think you need than do it. You can not start to untangle the mess unless you help and take care of yourself first. I am not saying you should leave all behind and go to Antarctica, but find ways to be with yourself every day for 15 or just 5 minutes. Try to meditate, or do exercise, or listen to music, go for a walk, write a journal, do whatever gets you in touch with yourself. Try different approaches, but you need to get to the deep bottom of yourself.
Take care
I'm new to the group I don't even know if I need to make an account but I'm pretty sad all the time and a lot of crazy things have happened in the past few months negatively and I just don't really have anybody to talk to
dear Kmilner,
Welcome. Now you do have someone to talk to. I am listening
Did my last post publish
I just spent ages writing. a post which didn't post another thing I fail at I see . its coming again this awful depression I hate it . here's my story :( when I was younger my mum and dad got a divorce . he used to abuse me which was awful for me I can't explain how it felt . after that I started secondary school and was badly bullied so I turned to self harm I was called nasty names told that I should die and they would laugh at me while watching it and I was a fat and worthless . I also got beaten at school by bullies too . my mum then got a bf who kicked me and completely denied everything so I ended up with a condition called ocd I couldn't sleep while he was around or eat or drink or do anything I spent my teen years locked in my bedroom when me and my mum fell out she would batter me I had to have the police round a few times . I was put in a child's mental health unit and was released as not being mental however I returned to school to be bullied . college was no easier I was an outsider nobody seemed to be interested in me . I left home and worked away at hpldiay aprks where I was left cheated on BG various bf and losing my friend in war left me to an overdose . after my next bf cheated Ia few months later I had another overdose . a year later I was raped and left on the cold streets as scum I didn't report it as I felt dirty and disgusting . I then found my feet and got my dream job as a holiday park entertainer it was perfect until I became pregnant and my bf left me for his ex and I had to bring her up all on my own she suffers with bad behavior problems which leaves me very very stressed and depressed . I then got into a two year relationship where I was raped . beaten up and mentally abused it was hell I wanted to die but finally got away from him . since then I was used and cheated on again until j met my current bf who is my whole life he is very supportive and is a fantastic role model.for my daughter . I have recently been diagnosed with macular degeneration which means I'm partially sighted at 26 I can't drive read properly or see details and it effects my life I have yet again just been turned down for a job and now people at my Theatre company are leaving me out of trips and parties and get together j have to see on Feb that they all go out and don't invite me its brought on my depression again and I really can't cope with my life . what have I ever done for people to have no interest j. Me
Very sorry if I came across rude then . just all to much . I'm kirsty 26 from the UK and a new member here x x
U are more then welcome to talk to.me anytime x do u have Kik?
My name is Noel and I'd like to connect with someone that has more experience in dealing with depression. I was diagnosed 7 months ago. Thankfully it's not as bad as I had imagined. When a person doesn't have a reign over their thoughts, it's a very scary thing. Unfortunately I turned to drinking in order to cope. That made things all the worse. To sum it up, I lost everything. Wife, home, job, you name it. So now it's time to start over. This is where I am now.
Hi I'm a 23 year old male i suffer with depression and was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to start to social again as I had a bad relapse about a year ago and would have died if my best mate haven't have found me since witch time I have sorted my self out and quit drinking so I can control my depression better but as I moved 60 miles away and I don't no anyone but all I do is work 24 /7 as I find it difficult to talk to people or get close to people and I feel ashamed of the scars I have and have very low self confidence
dear anonymous (april 13th)
Hang in there. I cannot offer any advice, only support since I have the same problem.
I hurt everyone around me, and my boyfriend told me he'd be better off without me today. I'm really depressed and I feel like he doesn't care. Can anyone give me advice on what to do?
I've been battling depression and anxiety one way and another for most of my life. I've been on every med from tricyclics and lithium, to SSRIs, to antisezure meds, the only thing I haven't tried were MAOIs. I know, I sound like a PDR (sometimes I feel like a walking one); sorry about that! There are times in any depressed persons life when it feels like nothing could be worse...and then things get worse. Right now I don't think things could be much worse. I have a very easy way of killing myself always to hand but I'm still here. Sometimes, especially times like now I wonder why I'm still here. I hope there's a good reason, but I can't come up with one at the moment. My BFF died about a year ago so I don't have any real means of support here. No one to call, no one to talk to. I'm university educated but have never been able to hold down a job due to depression. I just feel like things are worse than bad now and nobody really cares or is even interested. Am I wrong...I don't know. I've never posted anything like this anywhere before.
Guess I was right...no one cares. Not even me anymore.
EDS
I really need someone too talk too I have been fighting depression for a year and it hasn't gotten any better
people do care. I care. please hang in there
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